Awesome software

Some awesome software to look at:

http://eraser.heidi.ie/

Eraser allows permanent delete of files that cannot be retrieved any more. Best to use the Guttman 35 passes option for erasing.

http://www.piriform.com/products

Recuva is a good tool to retrieve files that you accidentally delete and intend to get back. Of course, if the files were erased with Eraser above, it cannot be retrieved.

Draw

Draw draw draw. I need to draw more.

Back to School

2009 has ended. So have the holidays. It's time to get back into gear.

I just resumed French classes today with Siti. Advance 1! However, the class only had two students... So we each had a 50% chance of getting called to answer questions. LOL. Paula, our teacher, was really passionate when she teaches. The lesson was extremely lively despite having just the 3 of us. Haha. She suggested looking at Tous Les Sens 2, an advance course that is architecture related. I saw that Peter Zumthor's Therme Vals was one of the works to be studied. LOL. I'm really interested in taking it, however, Christophe told Siti that the course used a huge load of metaphors... Bummer. If only my French was better... LOL. I can only blame myself for being lazy.

I also resumed Yoga lessons today. ZOMG. I'm extremely stiff again.... Sigh. All the pain and effort DOWN THE DRAIN! Sheesh... Worst, I have to change my French class to the morning session, which means I can't go for Yoga!!!

2009 was more good than bad. Although my results was way below my expectations, all I can do is to work harder and smarter. The best that happened in 2009 was that I met Tan Yi Jun. I can say that I have never really been happy up till I met her. Somehow, she just completes the emptiness, hollow in me. Fate just have a funny way of doing things. I'm really glad I met her. Which brings me to wanting a part of my old self back. The one that was extremely driven and motivated by nothing in everything, with a whole lot more discipline than I have now. I need to run, jump and exercise; a stress outlet that I truly missed. And there is just so much more to learn. I really really need to work my hardest at this point in my life. For myself, for her. To be the best me. To be the best of a boyfriend I can be, for I know I'm always lacking in many areas. Thank you Yi Jun for accepting me.

2010 is going to be a BLAST. I know it. I need to:
- cook and bake better
- master 3ds max lighting systems
- gain a better eye for composition in photography
- finish advance for french, and take DELF B1 and B2
- do yoga and play badminton and tennis
- hit CAP 4.0+
- achieve a balance in everything I do

So many thoughts...

My mind is swirling with so many thoughts. I feel suffocated. I feel inadequate. I feel lost.

Sigh.

It's been a month

I'm wide awake at this unearthly hour, unable to sleep. It's been a month since I had that immense courage to approach you. This is the first of the many more months to come. (::

Weakness

"Do you want to seek advice from a doctor?"

This was the question posted at me when my mum came into the room. Suddenly, I somehow felt everything again: the pain, the anger and the sorrow. A whole chapter of history flashed before me. Or maybe not a chapter, but a summary on the volume title "weakness". I was reminded of everything. How sinusitis was my "best pal" since I saw the light of day. How I was pale, weak, skinny and underweight - barely any contrast against a white-washed wall. How every step of the way was just expectations; accomplishments just meant greater and newer expectations. How when I do showed any weakness, I was just acknowledging my own inability and capability. How that if I don't decide anything for myself, that I would definitely be given the wrong decision made, that I would live the regrets, that I would feel and see the scars that would never disappear ever.

The environment that I grew up in, that I am living in, would not be categorised at prime; however, I guess I just can't be picky about it. But somehow, it just hinges on arguments, insecurities, inabilities, pain, sadness, misunderstandings - everything negative. So much so that when I think of home, it just doesn't exist. All it is is just a torrential disaster of pain. Nothing else is painful anymore.

Here I am sitting on my bed, facing my laptop, quietly thinking and typing. This silence is... comforting. For it won't be a constant reminder of my weaknesses. It is hence calming. That I know I can sleep tonight and wake up the next day, locking everything up again, deep inside me. There's just so much fear. The fear of failure being the greatest. The sense of weakness starting to creep in all over me again. I trust no one, sometimes not even myself. I find myself standing in the middle of nowhere sometimes, seeing my life as a third-person view. It's just so bad that I can't even look at it. It makes me wonder how I got so far just based on the psyche of proving myself to all the demands, all the expectations. I sit here wondering what is my motivation for everything, if not anything. That I basically am pretty much just a vessel, unable to live the way I want to for the past 21 years of my life, despite having able to make decision - they were make within the constraints of the environment.

Hiding behind my laptop, I find myself here, with no one else at home to talk to. Wait, home is probably the wrong word. It should be more objective, more emotionless like how it really is. The house, the shelter, the structure, the building. It is empty and lonely. Despite the pillars and slabs, I don't feel the support. Despite the furnishings and décor, I don't see anything. Why then do I stay here? What's holding me down? It's probably just filial piety, my morals, my virtues, my values, my principles etc. Or maybe it's more materialistic. The neediness of money, food, water and shelter. It's funny how money has become a basic necessity in this degrading world.

Architecture is my first step. In the sense that it is what I've been waiting to do. It is what I love to do. It is what I need to do. Then my aunt tells me that she has retinitis pigmentosa. Just what I needed, another of my greatest fear. First my writing hand, no, my writing arm. Now, even my eyes have a probability of going blind. I am not going to accept it. I do not trust Chinese Medical Education given my experience reminded by the scar on my left arm. Heck, how many people do I even trust in the first place? What is trust? What is the value of trust in this world today? Who can you truly trust? Why is it that only when trust is misused or abused that you know not to trust? Who can you rely on? Who can give you support? The support that I've been waiting for so long... All I need is just a word. A word. Not even a phrase anymore. I just can't feel anything.

I need to persevere. I have to. All I have lived for, all I've done, all I have now is at stake. I really have nothing more to lose. I need to give value and worth to this journey called life.

At least I am happy now. I have found support, but not from the house. I haven't truly smiled so much for so long. No plasticity, just the purest of happiness. I have you now.

The Holidays

I wonder why, do I get so addicted, to all the expensive hobbies. Photography, tennis, computers, games etc. Although I've pretty much gave up "gaming" (not to be interpreted as gambling), photography is taking up even more. After meddling with the kit lens, I realised I would need a range of prime lenses, typically 35mm and 50mm, and hopefully a UWA prime. But these are going to be pretty costly...

Money, as usual, makes the world goes round. This never ending rat race to chase the dollars is evident. Then again, you can't start to do new things, or even learn new things, without money. It's evil, an obstacle, a problem or even a crime. But I know that what I'm doing for is for passion, the pursuit of happiness in my eternal emptiness.

This world's a lonely place, but I'm glad there's someone beside me now, and forever.

A Break

I really need a break!

Ang Kor Wat sounds good.

Unrefined

Study - It really isn't "mugging". What it really is is observing, identifying, relating, extrapolating, superimposing, juxtaposing etc. It is all the verbs in one word.

I'm constantly being reminded how narrow my perspective is. I'm driven by DEADLINE or SUBMISSION at the back of my head. It influences the will, if not the need,  to produce; rather than fuelling an open mind of creativity and invention; one that requires time and exploration. Yet I can't even get pass the first step: Identify.

I guess I'm still, raw: unrefined.

Redo

Redo. That's what most of us had to do with our first studio assignment. It was null within five minutes. All the thought and work spent in the studio, and the sleepless nights, gone. But it felt great putting in effort, although the need to redo felt really lousy. I probably wouldn't even have completed it if not for Jess who actually stayed in studio to do it too.

Here I am. After an extremely lousy evening yesterday, and a super unproductive day today, home. I need to work on my 16 diagrams tomorrow. How I wish my studio group was more "tangible".